Blackwall Keep combines suburban convenience with the reassuring hostility of a thirteenth-century siege.
Blackwall Keep rejects alarms, locks and polite little camera notifications as the weak language of an undefended age. Its engineers turn semi-detached homes into feudal strongholds with moat systems, rabid beavers and a front-door portcullis fitted with regulation archery slots.
Premium customers may add a garage dragon, subject to ventilation and neighbour-tasting restrictions. The company’s Dark Sorcery Doorbell Camera records every caller in grave detail and can activate a Legion of the Dead when the homeowner selects ‘Do not disturb’.
Installations are designed to blend sympathetically with existing brickwork, provided the existing brickwork already includes battlements, murder holes and somewhere to chain a necromancer.
Available services
What could possibly go wrong?
- Domestic moat installation
- Rabid beaver patrols
- Portcullus front doors
- Garage dragons
- Legion-enabled doorbell cameras
“Your home is your castle. Start acting like it.”
— Official company statement